Hey herd nerds! It's currently 2:31 am when I began writing this. Tonight I was scrolling through my notifications and I've noticed you guys- especially Echofrost, have been really worried about me. I feel guilty. I've left you guys with no explanation, again. I wanted to write this to put an end to a chapter I have been postponing for a while. I guess it's been a year- or a few months, I forgot. I'm not the poor writer and overdramatic roleplayer you're familiar with anymore. I've heard the choked cries of my mother from the other room every night when she wasn't staying overnight at the hospital with the paranoia of my dad needing her holding his hand at some time. I'm so familiar with 3 am that the hour frightens me no longer. I've seen and heard a lot of things that taught me what true disgust really felt like. I've heard phone calls from the mother of that guy I hated in 3rd grade so childishly but loved so greatly that I didn't cherish the moments of at the time. I've seen my father's confused wide pupils stare back at me and smile even through all the medication he was on at the sight of my ruined face. It almost made me feel that he was stronger than his condition. It made me feel that he wasn't going to die, but my hopes and expectations were set too high. I'm inappropriate now. I make just about s*x and killing myself to cover up the fact that I've been wearing concealer to cover up the bags under my eyes and sweaters to hide the cuts on my arms I want to make deeper. I've learnt to swallow the lump in my throat like a bitter pill every time I want to burst.
I don't read anymore.
You'd be disappointed in me. I feel like if I'm to get back into this fandom, I'd be less passionate about the series of books I was so obsessed with. If I were to get back into this community, I'd feel so guilty about the burden and anxiety I put you guys through even though I know you would welcome me with open arms regardless. You always have. It just wouldn't feel the same. I've known this for a while. To be honest, in reality I'm just a thirteen-year-old minor that has a lot more to learn and experience. I'm asking you all a favor since I'm the greedy person I am. Please don't let me be a burden for you to carry upon your shoulders. None of this is your fault. Please do not feel responsible for making me feel better about myself and the situations I go through. In reality, words are just words. The only person who can really turn their perspectives around is the person themselves. Only I can cure and help myself get away from all the negativity that builds up in my mind. I am weak. But I am way stronger than when I was in 2018. I've learnt to handle my problems better, and I've learnt to not turn to others for help as much. I am more independent, and I definitely feel more mature than I've been a year or a few months ago.
Before I put an end to this, I want to say some things to the people I've held close to my heart for a while now.
Echofrost, I'm sorry. You were the person I kept seeing around in my notifs. You're so caring. I really hate myself for making you so worried when in reality I was sleeping through my summer, and my problems. The stigma of not being there for you will remain with me forever. Also, stay strong. I know I'm really hypocritical for saying this, but you really aren't like me. You're stronger, you're beautiful, you're expressive, you're bubbly, and you're so funny. I know you have been going through depression and suicidal thoughts. I am sorry I wasn't there for you. I should have been. Me, being internet dead (on this message board anyways), have been constantly checked up on while you were beyond upset and I wasn't there when you were. Oh my gosh, please know I love you so much. You are not a fake friend. You are not responsible for anything. I beg you, never, ever, think that. To anyone in this message board that have known me back then, you are all the kindest, most genuine people I've ever met. The fake friends I'm talking about are the people I've gotten close to this year. I've been there for them, or have tried to. But when I was going through one of the toughest times of my life, things were said to me that I didn't want to hear. It's like when you finally pour out all the emotions you've been trying to numb for forever and all they say to you is.
"Omy god I know right so sad you should feel that way I've gone through way worse so like stop complaining it's cringy."
Then they go posting on their snapchat story to share the date and time of your dad's wake and funeral without your permission for everyone to see.
That's what I was talking about. Not you guys, never.
I beg you again, I don't want you to be affected by me. I want everyone to be happy. I do hope you get through this. Here's a piece of advise I've been wanting to give: Don't let your mind travel to the darker side of things. Keep your head up. Keep looking forward. Why look behind you when you've already walked that path?
And if by chance it doesn't work out, you'll always have a chance in my world. I'll always be in the background cheering you on, whether I'm here or not. Please know that. Thank you for everything. I love you sista. ❤️
Wispiflower, are you still the Cupid of the Message Board? The amount of O.C. Chats you've had to make due to the chat lag was crazy. You're so funny. The memories of us shipping the most random couples together is something I'll always cherish. Your personality always made me unconsciously smile regardless of the situations I was in at the time. I never showed you that face/hair reveal. Who knows, maybe before I leave I'll give you a sneak peek? Thank you for spicing up my life a tad. Love you wisp wisp!
Dragon, believe me when I say you are literally good at everything. I have to admit, I was always jealous of your drawing skills. For me digital art is really difficult, and the fact that you can draw the shape and detail of a horse/pegasus on both paper and digitally really astonishes me. You're very mature. The way you handle things really pushes me to deal with things that may be hard on me in a better way. Thank you for being my role model, and continuing to be for the rest of my life. Love you.
Nightmist, dang, you are such a good roleplayer. And so creative with it as well. The jokes you make are so original, random and hysterical. The 2-3 person roleplay we did- (I think it was called "The Love Story of Darkfire and Dreamdrop") really let me bring out my creativity. The plots we made together- I'm laughing just thinking about it. Thank you for making me smile and giving me a reason to procrastinate from doing my homework, because I did not want to do that left page for science. Haha! Love you.
Riverbreeze, if there was ever any drama or controversy on the message board (Which was barely any.), you were never included in any of it. You always stated your opinion while staying neutral to anything at the same time. You're also very kind and loving. You always make sense, and you make me really happy. I love you.
To those who just met me. Hii~. I'm sorry you had to see this side of myself and have this as your first impression of me. I am leaving forever, and I'm sorry we never got the chance to get to know each other better. And to those whom I've known at the time but didn't mention, you mean a lot to me, that's for sure. Thank you, and I really do love you as well.
The memories I've had and the people I've met here will stick with me forever. Thank you for staying by my side when times were rough. I've said it once, and I'll say it again. Believe me when I say you are the kindest people I've ever met. The Guardian Herd fandom is so unique. Unlike most for sure. It's never toxic. It's welcoming. It's true. To be honest, now, I really don't feel like I belong. You're too good for me. And what have I done? Nothing but cause concern and disappointment.
This is not a suicide note. I'm not dying yet. Right now, my mother needs me, it'd be selfish of me to leave after she's stuck by my side throughout this chaotic limbo. Sometimes when I let my mind engulf me I feel unloved and unwanted. Then I remember my number one cheerleader rooting for me, and the hurt she'd feel if I left. It's what keeps me going. This is also not something I wrote to throw a pity party. I wrote this to clear the air, and close this chapter in my life I've been holding back for the longest time. On the brighter side of things, I've been making, singing and writing music. It's something I really enjoy. I feel that I've gotten better in the past year or so, and I'm excited to see where that will take me.
I'm going to be replying to comments and posts for a day or two since I've missed talking to you guys, but soon I'm going to leave for good, and I'll let you know when I do. If you made it this far, thank you for hearing me out. I'm sorry you had to read this. I'm sorry you had to watch me fall again.
Take care lovlies. ❤️
RAIN RAIN RAIN!!!!
dont have time to properly comment on this post (but I will!!!! Eventually!!!)
but Im so glad you are back! Even if it is only for a really short time! its great to hear from you again!
And im so sorry about your dad. I know what it is like to loose someone you love.
Like what Misty said, I was very bored one day and stumbled across She-Ra on Netflix. I thought it was pretty okay and there was this one princess. She said in the animation that flaws are beautiful. And they are.
I am like HALLELUJAH!!! SHE HATH RETURNED YESYESYAYAYYAAYYAYAYAYAYAYAYYAAY!!!! We all missed you Rain!!!
Motivational song of the year for all of you <3
I’ll be praying for you. I’ll never stop. Not until you feel better again.
Hi I'm Starleaf I joined in your ummm.. absense. Sorry I didn't know how to say it. I heard you were a realy good friend and im sorry for the things i heard happened to you. So Hi and welcome back.
....... I’m so sorry
I’m so sorry for everything you’ve suffered through, everything I’ve done to annoy you, anything anyone has done to hurt you. I‘m so sorry, Rain. So sorry. I’m sorry I couldn’t have been here when you posted this. I’m sorry I was late, I’m sorry that you feel that you’ve failed when you haven’t. I’m sorry for every gosh dang bad thing that has been thrown your way. I’m so, so sorry. I don’t know how I can make this comment positive, because, honestly, there is nothing positive about your situation. I hope you’d stay, but I’d completely and utterly understand it if you left us. For once, I think I can understand. I understand that whenever I’m feeling down and some of my friends are trying to comfort me, it just feels fake..... Y’know? So if that’s what it feels like when you read these comments, than I understand. It feels fake, because you haven’t really met the majority of us in real life, seen our faces, or heard our voices.
But now it’s time for you to understand that none of this is fake! That you didn’t fail!
A-very-wise-person-that-I-don’t-know-the-name-of once said: “You can only fail if you don’t try,” or something along those lines xD Currently, my memory is pretty bad... But you did try! You tried to stay strong! You’ve been feeding the attention seekers, and it’s turned you into feeling like you’ve failed (Okay, just gonna say one thing, EVERYTHING I’m typing right now might be bull cookie because I really can never know what you‘re going through xD) But I missed you so much!!! I do realize that I may have been a jerk when you were here, but honestly I don’t remember..... But yeah, forgive me if I was rude!
Man this comment is getting LONG lol, but we love you Rain! Not in the creepy kind of way, but in the sisterly/brotherly(Talkin’ to you Flamefrost xD) relationship. ALSO, failure is not weakness! Failure shows that you’re still tinkering with the draw strings of life! Figuring out the controls, reading the manuals, and all sorts of things!!! I’ve failed more times than I can count, and every time I feel worse for it, it just hurts me even more. SO, I’ve started to at least try to learn from my mistakes.
This comment just got weird, and sorry if it didn’t express all of my love that you’re back, but yeah. I wish the best day possible, for the rest of your days and that God may be with you on your hard days.
God Bless You, Rainfeather/Sophia (I will never call you Sophia again if you are uncomfortable with me calling you that lol sorry)
Sincerely, Nightmis 🐶 (CUTE PUPPIES :D)
Hey, Rain, Raindeer, Sophia, name twin.
It's Skippy and I just wanted you to know it really doesn't matter if your doing drugs living without a home or you're well off and rich. I don't care that you've changed from a year ago Rain. And I think you'd be surprised at how a lot of us has changed and matured. If your life is dark and filled with horrible things and death and depression, I want to help you. I bet everyone on here does. We will support you no matter what. Everyone has a story and it should be heard even if they're bank robbers or shady humans living on the streets of Detroit or something. You have a story and you've experienced more than any of us. And you have the ability to choose wether you want to stay or not. A lot of us dearly wish you to stay after your absence. But we don't want to push you like many others have said. I really wish you could join the MB and I believe you have?
Rain, maybe people at school tell you to be yourself. But a lot of people want you to be the ideal version of yourself, the version that other people like. Don't listen to that. be true to your heart, mind, soul, and just be yourself. I mean that. We mean that.
We've been searching for ages and never has that become a burden. You deserve to be known and alive to us. You deserve to be happy. And I get that you don't really like the books anymore. I've drawn away too but honestly? I could never ever leave the TGH. Because of all the friendly relationships. You, Rain, you also have so many friends here. And we care about you in both the past and present. Hopefully in the future if not totally. You're going somewhere great, Sophia. And we love you no matter what.
--Skippy
gtg my father is home ;-;
Rainfeather! I am so glad you're back, even if it is just for a short time. Your absence has been truly felt by everyone on here (Echo made sure that would happen), and it has kinda became a routine for most of us to check up on you, through the limited information we could get off of your Roblox account. I can't tell you how many times I logged into our Google Hangouts group chat, and found that there was a new development when it came to tracking you down. I mean, literally evetime you changed your about information on the game, someone would screen shot it, and post it to the chat, then we'd try to decipher what it meant.
My point with this is, we care about you Rain, and I think I can speak for all of us when I say, it pains us to know you were going through without being able to comfort you. To give you words of encouragement. I don't care what you say about how you've changed, we all still think of you as a Herd Nerd, and there's nothing you can do to change that.
I don't know if I said this to you before, but even before you left, you were one of the strongest people on here. You had shouldered a burden that wasn't even yours to carry, and you kept running with it, even after more was added to your load. So as corny as this sounds, stay strong Rain, or else you may have not only Echomoon chasing you around with a baseball bat, but Honeyfall may be getting in on that to.
As a final note, I don't want to pressure you into staying on the MB, but at least consider joining our Google Hangouts community. There's not a whole lot of TGH/ROTR related stuff that happens there, but I think if we at least had you on there we could rest a little easier knowing that we didn't have to rely on Roblox to make sure you're still with us.
Urgh did my message not go through? This is why I hate using this app on phones.
x screams x RAINFEATHER!!!!!!!!!!!! It's so good to see you again!!!!! I thought you were never coming back and I couldn't STAND that!!!!! I missed you SO DANG much! The Message board just wasn't the same without you.
Never say you're weak, Rain. You have fought so hard. You are 13 years old. No 13 year old should be going through what your going through. It's not fair to you. But, you have been SO strong. You are stronger than you think you are. You're defiantly stronger than me. And you are stronger than those dark thoughts. MUCH stronger. Never listen to those thoughts, no matter how tempting. Because you are ONE IN ONE JAZILLION. God made you for a reason. He made YOU. And you are beautiful and amazing. So never say that you're not strong, because you are the strongest.
Like Falmefrost said, you will never be a burden to us. You never have and you never will.
I support you decision to not stay(sorry Echo). If that is what you want and what you feel is right, then I should not stop you. I'll miss you(like I've already said 100000 times) but I'll never forget all the memories you ,and everyone else here, gave me.
Thank you for those kind words you said to me. They really made my day and I'll try my best to live up to your expectation. You make me happy, too!! Like I said before, the MB was not the same without you! I've missed all the role-plays, the shipping, and the fan fictions with you! But, I'll always remember those moments.
And I love you too! I always will and you(all of you do) have a place in my heart, where even though we've never met face to face, you're my friend. And I love you.
I'll miss you very very VERYYYYYYYY much! Just know that no matter what happens, you've got all your Herd Nerd friends standing right behind you, ready to fight whatever foes your facing.
x squeezes Rain in a tight bear hug x
See you soon, Rain. Love ya!!
Oh Rain!! I have missed you so much! I am so sorry for your losses, I can't imagine losing my dad. I'm glad you are doing better. It was so scary not being able to find you, but I understand why you didn't say anything. I promise you aren't a problem, or shoulder weight(I couldn't think of anything better), or a burden. You don't burden us when you are here. Tbh I don't think many of us older members are ever on anymore. I stopped checking a few months after you disappeared. I really am sorry Rain and I wish I could give you a hug, I miss talking to you all the time.
And just incase you can't remember who I am. Wouldn't surprise me if you don't, I changed my name a while back. Its pananah
Hey, @Rainfeather, not quite sure if you remember me, but I was hoping and praying you would come back, and my goodness, I did not expect to see this post this morning.
You're back!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (If I could post heart emojis I would)
I'm so glad you are back and I'm so sorry for everything you have gone through. Just words on a screen, I know, but I hope they mean something to you.
I pray for you ever day, Rain. Every. Stinkin’. Day. And has it helped?
Actually, yes it had. You’re better off than I thought you were, honestly. It’s just a blessing to know THAT.
Also, I quit my role as Cupid of the Message Board. I did it because I needed you to come back before I could really continue. I’m not funny without all of you behind me. I’m a mess alone.
Ohhhhh Rain.... I am so sorry for your losses. I know you’ve probably heard that a lot, and it’s getting annoying. I do. My dog just died. Not that that could POSSIBLY compare to what you’re feeling.
Can I just ask you one favor this time? All I want is your contact information so we can talk. I don’t care what about. I don’t care how you’ve changed. All of us have changed. I just want to talk to you again. It was one of the highlights of my day way back when.
And, actually, you’ve been gone for nearly a full year. Next month or so is your anniversary. Or would’ve been. It’s kinda funny that you’d decide to come back just before that.
You probably don’t even remember this or even exactly who I’m talking about besides the fact that he’s the only guy on the MB (actually, that’s not true anymore), but remember when you were tease-shipping me and Flamefrost waaaaaay back when? Heheh, we’re dating now. .......What? Just a little fun news to lighten the mood, if not just for a second.
Rain, know that I love you sooooo much. You are one of my best friends, and I will never forget you, no matter where you go in life, and I’ll always be one of the first to support you in your hopes and dreams.
Love you Soph ❤️❤️❤️
Join the conversation on Hangouts: (redacted)
stay. Please. i can’t lose you. Not again.
Don’t leave me. I won’t be able to take it without you
you’re my best friend.
Also: it feels weird to ask, given the circumstances, but could you give us a link to follow so we can find your music? If I can’t support you here, I want to support you anywhere I can, and I’d be shocked if I’m the only one here who feels that way.
And here’s a pick-me-up I found on Pinterest.
“You don’t need good reasons to stay alive. I was struggling in my high school years and frankly, half the reason I’m still here is because there was nobody else to feed the cat that weekend I thought I’d do the deed.”
Rock climbers have no concept of the word easy. They expect things to go wrong. (Okay, I’m awful at metaphorical pep talks, but hear me out.) Their lifeline breaks? Their carabiner malfunctions? They have ways of saving themselves. The rappelling rope is usually made to hold at least twice their weight, but it’s out of commission. What do they grab? The spare rope over their shoulder. It can only hold half their weight, but there’s plenty of it. Double it over, grab hold, and you’re good. If all else fails, grab the rock face and wait for help. There are people willing to be the extra rope. There are people perfectly capable of being the rock face.
Now, my phone’s out in class and I don’t want it taken. Talk later.
NO. YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO LEAVE ME AGAIN. x blocks exit x MOONGLOW, I WANT YOU ON SECURITY!
Moonglow: ... Emi, I think we Should -
I DON’T CARE! DON’T LET HER LEAVE AND MAKE HER TOP PRIORITY!
YOU ARE N O T ALLOWED TO LEAVE ME AGAIN. NEVER. YOU’VE FINALLY COME BACK. I CAN’T LET YOU GO. NOT AGAIN.